a few treasured items
Three more bags dropped off today. Without any grasping at what was in them. Each item donated feels like its part in my life has been well over. I go through each item in this apartment. Struggling to find anything worth holding onto. My olive green jewelry box, my sheep slippers, a few books, my journal, my bag of paint supplies - I’m keeping all of these things. I’m mildly attached to my pots and pants, and a certain clay mug I bought at the farmer’s market two years ago. A bowl with a blue and white Chinese design. The plant that blossoms and grows each day - I’d like to keep that. As well as a few items of clothing and an old blue cap. I realize we enter this world with nothing, and leave this world with nothing, and to have a few treasured items in between is a gift. But we don’t need much. Life is simpler without.
cherry blossom
Waking up
fingers soft and delicate
Sun trickles through the window and under the door
Day lit pathways
Cherry blossom skies
Hold memories
Of when we met -
taxidermy
I’m staring at a taxidermy bird. And I feel a bit like one myself lately. Frozen between two chapters and not quite being able to peel the pages back and to the left to just get on with it. My fingers grasping in attempts to see what’s next. But - instead, I’m caught, beak open, wings spread as if attempting a take off. I remain rigid. Sitting atop of a cafe shelf just like this white and grey- seagull perhaps.
Jazz spills out of the speaker and I sip my tea and write. Because with waiting comes writing, and with my impatience, words help fill the in between. My stomach turns due to the amount of caffeine I’ve ingested, and I wonder if it’s stress. Because despite everything in life flowing very smoothly, I want to jump ahead. I want to do so without pissing anyone off. Without causing a fuss.
april thoughts
One of my greatest methods of inquiry is writing. I write to understand because without getting my thoughts onto paper, they swirl around my mind and give little room for sense. I journal, I plan, I blog. Since the age of 8, it’s been a way of soothing and comprehending an abyss of emotions, sometimes appearing like ocean waves.
I find true happiness comes from connection. And I wonder if sorrow comes from ideas and beliefs we’ve picked up. Or from disconnection.
When my grandma died in November, there was this week where I felt quite raw, very vulnerable. Unknown to myself even, and unsure of how to present myself. I have felt like that this week again, a little raw. Bare. I feel like I’m in between life stages at the moment, and while that’s exciting in many ways, it’s also a time of letting go of the past, and gaining more clarity into myself, my pwn way of being. Inquiry without judgement.
coffee grinder
Our beliefs create are reality, and our beliefs are created in infancy - In our childhood. And then from there we grow and create. Until we realize that we want to create something new.
In my teens, I dove into the spiritual. In my mid twenties, I started doing the emotional work. In my thirties, I realized it was time to change my psychology. So, you can see that rewiring one’s brain isn’t an overnight task, but a lifetime of inquiry into the why’s of how we’ve created the life we’re in.
Today, I sit in my little wood framed apartment sipping my coffee, and I’m reflecting on the why’s of where I’m at, and where I want to go.
I just sold my coffee grinder off facebook marketplace to a fairly successful actor, and as I handed him the box, I noticed he was driving a brand new audi, was glowing like an absolute angel, and was vibrating in an authentic loving space, enjoying the Vancouver sunshine, and genuinely asking about my day. And I was hit in the face with a mirror of where I’m at, and the desires of where I want to go. It was palpable that this man got where he was due to his belief systems he had about himself and his life. This men vibrated in this light that I haven’t really seen lately. Almost like an angel. I’ve been rushing in this hustle and bustle of life, trying to piece together my next rent payment, and then there’s beautiful reflection of ‘hey, it’s all in you.’ Every experience is within you.
And truly, there’s nothing wrong with where I’m at. I’m happy on the day to day, and I do experience genuine joy just being alive - But, I also notice I get frazzled by fear and I have limiting beliefs around money, and what I can create and acquire in this lifetime. And you know - I think this keeps me creating circumstances that are less than ideal. Maybe it means I create a situation where I’m in an apartment I can barely afford where you can hear your neighbour peeing (among other things). But regardless, I have a roof over my head, and I’m thankful for that.
But - then - I wonder what would happen if I was to rewire my subconscious and make a shift into a life of more ease. When struggle becomes comfortable, we create it. So, ease and peace, need to become the new normal. And then abundance and choice, and growth.
And how do we rewire our beliefs? Well, the first step is awareness. And then… well, I’ll let you know.
light houses
He tells me to write, and he’s not wrong. It’s the best thing I can do, in any situation, but especially in this phase which feels very much like an in between, a holding, or a lily pad as described before. I know where I’m going. And where I am now, feels not quite like it. Like being on a train, but just not yet at the stop.
So, I write on a Friday night, and I can feel emotions bubbling behind my eyes because I know I have to surrender to what is, and that things may be uncomfortable at times. Conversations might feel stark and icy in order to secure the next steps. But I think then, to myself, that if everything I am doing comes from a place of love, then any bitterness is just perceived. Maybe even just feared, and not real at all. Maybe that’s where we all need to get to. A place where we recognize that all of our challenges may just be not quite as real as we deem them to be, but are more like lighthouses leading us down the right path.
Perhaps this challenge as frustrating as it may be is just a lighthouse. To show me what I need to move away from. To bring me closer to what I truly need.
lily pad year
When I imagine my life with you, perhaps we are in a distant place. I feel the wind combing through my hair, and the fresh sea breeze makes it’s way across a field close to where we live. Or that’s just how it feels.
Right now, this year feels like, a lily pad year - one taking me from one place to another as I grow and change within, without. I shift shape as the days roll into each other, and I wonder - what’s to come?
This apartment, although my own, feels temporary. It feels a cocoon for some sort of transformation I’ve likely begged for. And often, the change comes with unearthed feelings that need to be felt. Sorrows that need to be shed.
I feed the Monsterra plant next to the window - I drink the coffee, I give it the grounds, and it blooms wholeheartedly. Baby shoots sprouting weekly. I consider if I give myself the same care, I consider what it is I need to bloom.
Lately, I’ve spread myself thin - working two jobs, a day off here and there. I miss writing. I miss stillness. But it’s here now. And beneath a few sticky bits, I can feel myself. And I’m grateful for that. To say, ‘I love you, I have you. I know it’s been hard and you’re tired. And I’m proud of you. And I’m holding you, and holding onto what you deeply desire. And giving you permission to desire.’
The trouble is sometimes, we get caught in the visions of others. We become pressed between moulds society forges. We are uniquely delicate, while being graciously strong. And when one is changing, rapidly so, we must give ourselves permission for the unveiling to be somewhat far from expected. To allow it to occur.
joie de vivre
Staring up at lit candles perched on the mantle, from the yoga mat on the floor, I thought about the balance of wellness. A burger and fries danced through my psyche, as I listened to Charlize Theron’s diet, and how despite not drinking alcohol, and avoiding junk food, she still makes room for a burger indulgence, which is also my cozy meal of choice. French fries any day of the week - yes please. And yes, I listen to celebrity diets because, this woman, albeit older & wise in years, looks phenomenal and as I crawl through my 30’s, I desire to maintain as much juicy joie de vivre as possible. Meaning, I want my joints, my muscles, my skin, my mind, my heart to maintain a sense of youth, bounce, and joy, while accepting aging in a way that feels loving.
Anyway-balance in wellness. I think there’s a middle ground within the holistic wellness realm, where there exists an exceptance of what is, and yet a welcoming of what could be - meaning to nourish thyself now in whatever way that feels best, while continuing to strive towards growth. So, perhaps, wellness, in all its hype & glory, is really just maintaining humanness. Having your green tea there, slamming down a cheese burger there. Wellness without weight. Without a cumbersome amount of responsibility. Not having to do everything ‘right’ persay, but existing as you are. And accepting that.
little joys
To sit alone, to feel, to write. These are my little joys. And as much as I love people, the choice to be here, living alone ignites a sense of freedom I haven’t yet felt. I am gathered and ready for this new chapter, one fueled by what simply is. Truth. When you’re in the midst of learning, your truth feels as though it can waver. When you know yourself, your truth sits firmly on the inside of your intestines. It’s solid, unfaltering. And peaceful. Wholly peaceful.
A No Buy 2025
After beginning the year sick as a dog, along with many other Vancouverites, I find myself financially in a hole that I am trying to smash together a ladder to climb out of. Having missed a solid 7 days of work, the revelation that I, again, like many Vancouvrites, am one pay-check away from not being able to pay rent, struck me with a cascade of thoughts relating to spending, societal programming, needs/wants, income, budgeting, and the ‘what happens in case of emergency?” type considerations.
In this city, it can be difficult to leave one’s house without $100 dissolving into what feels like thin air as soon as you venture from your doorstep, but I’d like to challenge my habits, as well as my psychological desire to ‘have’. Not to mention, the environmental repurcussions of over spending. The planet cannot hold anymore garbage, and in this modern age, we are creating waste in the tons every day. Everytime we make a purchase, we are potentailly creating more waste, depending on what we’re investing our money into- Is it something that will last us 30-40 years, or a couple of months? Is it worth the buy? Is it worth creating a footprint over? Not only is modern consumerism detrimental to our pockets, but to our planet as well.
Years ago, our purcahses would last us a lifetime- a wool coat would be our winter coat for decades. Our shoes would last us until the soles wore through. Luggage - that would last one’s entire life. But here and now, within North American culture, we shop every weekend, buying things that will likely end up either in the trash one day. Much like the way of food, and how many of us, post 90’s have gone back to a whole foods, healthy balanced diet to preserve our wellbeing - many of us will be forced to spend less, and be far more mindful about our spending habits. Or else, you just - won’t be able to live. So, a tigher economy, while challenging, provides an opportunity for decreased consumerism, which our planet desperately needs. If we can access dopamine through connection, heartfelt moments, creativity, and physical activity, our superficial need for accessing those feelings outside of ourselves dimishes, and we can just simply be and enjoy life.
And although I’ve always considered myself a mimimalist, I do find it all too easy to tap my credit card furthering innessental consumption. Maybe it’s a t shirt I don’t need, a pair of shoes I’ll wear down in two months, another lip balm. And as a mininimalist, it does me no good to continue to consume and propel the need to donate goods on a regular basis. While donating your clothes is the best thing to do, we just in general have far too many clothes on the planet. We can’t keep up, regardless of how many thrift stores we have. It’s just too much.
So, enter a No Buy 2025. I will include a list of Essentials (Items I will still be buying out of necessity), and Non-Essentials (Items I will not be buying in 2025.)
The Essentials:
Rent
Utilities
Transportation Costs
Phone Bill
Groceries
Cafes/Restaurants for Special Occasions
Natural Health Costs - (Gym Membership,Therapy, Chiro, Etc.)
Household (Cleaning Products, Dish Soap, Etc)
Non Essentials:
Clothes
Shoes
Fitness Classes
Books (Use Library)
Alcohol
Decorations
Jewelry
Furniture
Household items
Plants
Some Non-Essential Items that I do need/plan to repurchase in 2025 are: A new bathing suit, new underwear, a haircut next month. That’s it. I have everything I need for my home, my wardrobe, and I don’t spend very much on beauty, etc.
Alright, let’s see how we do…
walls
I can feel it wash over the walls. The new space - like I’m hovering in between two worlds, and I’ve realized what I needed to learn from it. And not only have I learned the lessons, but I’ve saturated myself in them, pushing through them, until I’m coated, and ready to shed.
I see my feet upon wooden floors and there’s a sense of calm like never before. The walls here encapsulate, like a chrysalis, like a cocoon I needed. And it no longer feels right. Or necessary.
It feels like a story book that I put down a few months back.
I’m glad it stretched me, and brought me grace, and brought me to him.
created by me
I can begin to see what it will be. Stripped down. Soft light. Warmth.
He talks about stoicism. Minimalism.
my mind wraps around a new beginning
shedding the now
i wander ethereally
my feet upon wooden floor
hands hanging water colours
created by me
all of it.
created by me.
with grace
It’s that feeling - when you’re standing in line to get your blood drawn. No one wants to be there. You don’t. By the tone of the nurse, she doesn’t. But you’re both there because you need to be in that moment. I lay down. I always do, because if I don’t I will pass out. I’ve had nurses pick me up off the floor more than once. So I lay down- a small token I give myself to make it easier.
“You’ll feel a little pinch” she says. And I do, and she tells me after a few seconds to release my hand. And I do. And I breathe.
And before I know it, she’s taping a cotton swab onto my skin, and I lay for a few more seconds before heading out the door. Before heading onto my next errand. Grocery shopping. More enjoyable than blood drawing.
Right now, I find myself in a stage of life that is very much akin to getting one’s blood drawn. I find myself in a vulnerable space where I appear to not have any say in any outcome. As if I am laying down on a bed to make it a bit more comfortable, to avoid smashing my head or falling onto the floor. The journal, the pen, the candles are the bed. And I am waiting for her to remove the needle. And I breathe.
I find in this space, there’s not much one can do. But there is a way to get through, and every time I ask myself - I hear “with grace”.
With grace. With reverence to the self, and reverence to one’s process. Because you didn’t exactly choose this, but the process still must occur. With grace, you peel off of a situation and into another one. With grace, you treat others how you wish to be treated, and if they treat you poorly, you notice. And you move on.
With grace, you create something beautiful for yourself, for your heart, for your growth. And you allow the rest to fall away from you- as it will, as it is.
So, I allow the blood to flow - out of me, and into a tube. And I allow this all to pass.
inklings
When we outgrow our situations, our beliefs, our patterns - there is an inevitable death, a letting go. It defies most logic and brings up inklings of fears, past or present.
My body and emotions feel it first before my minds grasps hold of the situation at hand. What does it look like? Life six months from now, a year from now? How do I get there?
wellness resurgence
In our modern world, wellness has made a resurgence. People are realizing that the band-aid approach to health doesn’t work, providing only short term relief at best. So many of my peers are choosing to live their lives in alignment with how they want to feel. This means partaking in drinking alcohol much less, avoiding smoking, eating gluten free, fresh and local, taking supplements, participating in daily movement in some form, and getting a good night’s rest. And beyond these simple things, they’re sauna-ing, caring for their skin, walking more/driving less, purifying their water, tending to their emotions, and cultivating meaningful relationships.
We’re living long term these days, investing in our bodies and our futures and caring for our nows by making choices that reflect the lives we wish to lead. Perhaps, this is just how it is in your thirties, but I’d like to think society, perhaps as a whole is growing regarding how we think about wellbeing.